42. A day in the life Part 2.

It had came to the point where I couldn't take it any more. Something had to be said but at the time I didn't know how to say it. I rushed in like a Bull in a China shop and made it worse. 

Looking back, I are (Baboon) still humbled, amused and frustrated by the way it all happened - usually all these emotions are felt at the same time - And I do look back from time to time. It was a complete cluster-fuck; an abomination of my mental health. But it's the way my mind operates. It's the reason I drink too much, smoke too much, love prescription-based painkillers when the mood fits and gamble. It's also the reason to put on circa 3 stone whilst aged 17 and left to your own devices and a large family sized chocolate gateaux! I knew it, but they didn't. Allegedly - After knowing me for four years or so.

For those reading this without insight of me at all, I have an addictive personality. I didn't need a Doctor to tell me this - You just kind of know. The way I act and react is so irrational at times that even I did wonder what the Hell I just did... The problem being is once it's done, it's done, and I really couldn't give a fuck for the personal implications. Act and move on. If every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Every decision I made has an equal and opposite "I don't give a fuck" decision. That by itself makes me being myself so... well; comfy. Let's be honest.

It was a Friday in August... Probably. The year has flew by so quick it could have been mid-January for all I knew. But I owned an item (Most probably a multi speed Squirrel hammer I saw on Amazon) and was flat broke in January so August seems to fit. All that can be remembered is that I wasn't drunk that night and was just so pissed off that if the cat even looked at me the wrong way I'd probably try and sell it to the local takeaway for as much opioid as I could garner. 

It started two Mondays before (This isn't really a day, I'll grant you; as my misleading title suggests, but it's always nice to have a little back-story - Like who TV Dramas go back to Ye Olde Worlde to interweave separate stories to make a Human Centipede type amalgamation of naff scripts. This is what I'm doing. I think). In fact it started the prior November when I lent around fifty pounds to go to Bristol for a weekend... It didn't work out right, so I digress...

On the Monday in question, all but five pounds were paid for - I thought - and I'd given Mary twenty pounds for some hooky tobacco some months ago. I'd explained to her boyfriend that I'd like the remainder back as I actually needed some tobacco, and would like to partake in the local services of the merchant up the road (as Off licences obviously weren't invented, and merchants were all the rage in Britain in those days circa 2013). For 12 days, this continued.

And on the Twelfth day of Augustmas the wrath of a cranky git was unleashed, almost by accident and in perhaps the least word-smithed way possible... I said that I'd asked for the money back 3 times (twice verbally, and once via text), and this was now the fourth time.

After various textual rebounds the transcript of events turned me even more into a lethargic Incredible Hulk like texting machine whose English vocabulary turned into that of a pubescent teenager, bereft of any actual provenance (The fact I'm typing like this shows I can talk the talk to a degree - not bad for a kid who screwed up his GCSE's!). There were probably a few "Ugs" and "Hulk Angry" texts there, but at the time it just felt natural. In any case, it transpired that Mary had given the phone to her child and "probably pressed some buttons, and it wasn't her fault".

After admittance that that may be the case, I pointed out the fact of mentioning twice to her boyfriend that I had asked for the remaining money back, minus the amount owed. After much disconcerted messaging, it seemed that we were at loggerheads... I was basically an alcoholic (despite cutting drown my drinking from a Hunter S. Thompson level - to a more serene-abusive level of a binge drinker) who was the black sheep - or so it seemed - who couldn't survive without a drop of drink within a day, and alcohol was the reason for not paying the money back. This was partially true, but when your used to not being asked for money back - no matter what deal is struck - and you were never asked... What do you do? You just ignore it, and wait til they complain... And complain they eventually did...

I'll admit that I was a little taken aback by these remarks, so I hastily sent back along the lines of "If you have a problem with me, why don't you come round here and sort it out?". This, within hindsight is perhaps the worst way of sending a message to someone that obviously has a problem with you. It seemed that something that I said was somehow misconstrued as vaguely aggressive... I'll leave you to decipher that whole last sentence I typed... When all I meant was "Chill, talk it the fuck over - I just want my money, you want yours, we can live in perfect harmony - like ebony and ivory" (but in less racist connotations, if I'm fair).

Suffice to say, it didn't go down well, and I guess with due cause... In fact, it probably went down as well with them as the Rob Ford video about Crack or Pussy... They just went flip mode... I guess... If I was a black american living circa 2000.

A written verbal onslaught ensued, inclusive of her pissed of dismay at my drinking (which had got better, ironically, and still is), smoking (ditto), and my talking to her children in the tone I do (Despite the fact that when drunk, I carried on as the father did; so that's not really my problem). This was compounded by my issuing a statement that their youngest child (who was accused of dismissing my text messages) was 3 or so and was used to sitting (Standing is actually the word) around using a sodding iPhone to play Sonic and watch Garfield, and the eldest at around aged 8 had a PS3 and Xbox 360... In both cases, I erupted. I'm personally for electronic changes and growth, and I'm an ambassador for laziness as such, but when a child's source of educational nourishment is an iPhone... No - just no... As for the elder one... Fair enough, he does play football (soccer in the USA), but those consoles, given internet and voice chat - they are NOT children's toys... Only with parental locks, if you ask me. 

Anyway, with time comes great wisdom, and I personally find all of that funny now. I still don't really care, and if I'm honest, Mary probably doesn't either... It was; looking back, a complete waste of time on both of our parts. She was adamant I was in the wrong, and I just sat back basically not giving a stuff, and let go at a time that I finally felt right.

As I say, that side of the family had only known me for a few years, and had caught the worst side of me... and Considered me an Ozzy-type Zombie during this time, transfixed on substances known to man, and seemingly eradicated by the higher echeloned-beings of the world - it;s just a shame that as I drink to maintain my slight sanity, her fella also smoked cannabis - so swings and roundabouts, eh? We could both function, but they couldn't see the irony in it all! 

I'm actually laughing at typing this, so maybe I don't care. Their relationship was fun whilst it lasted, and now I'm onto pastures new.

It'd been a good ride...

41.

You lie in bed each and every morning
Tired from the cold; the lack of sleep keeps you yawning.
Your body aches from another dose of Tramadol
The liver rejects the abusive quantity of alcohol.
But you plough on, tired from the abuse
You seem to think you've nothing left to lose.
But you think of those who worry on your life
You really don't wish to place them under so much strife.

Going out at night for 15 minutes at a time
You wonder if it should be just beer or maybe wine.
Half the time it seems the best that you can do
When inside your brain feels as thick as glue.
Open up, swallow down and forget those murky blues
You know it's wrong but it's the life that you have chosen.
You lie awake at night in fear and in resentment
You know your better than this, but to change you haven't a clue...

Well then wake up and get into life
That bottle may as well be a stab in the back with a knife;
The shotgun that you place inside your mouth
Your physical features are aligning too far south...
Your my friend, and I'll try to help you;
We've still lots of things to do...
Because the World ain't gonna frown
When your 6 feet underground.

40.

There was once a man
I knew upon local land
He stood some six foot three from the lawn.
He looked just seventeen
And was still thirty-three.
Yet went off to war, come the dawn.

The fear on his face
Was all over the place
As his was the image of the drive.
He looked into my eyes
And it came as some surprise;
He said: "Don't fear for me, son; I'm still alive".

(Chorus)
And the wild winds swole
To the sound of a million tanks.
Yet the scent of hyprocricy
Grew till it stank;
That the cynical eyes that were in charge
Fled from the lies and
To a few score hundred
Barrels of desert fruit....

Love's labour lost...

The man that I knew was Albert Brookes;
He had size nine shoes and a wife called Flo,
With 3 children all of differing age.
In his mind were casual doubts
About if it was healthy to drink or snout.
But he continued on the page.

He gave in to the callings of the government
Enlisted soon enough when they gave the push.
He loved his roast beef dinners and cups of tea....
Albert was an English man.
With snow white tan,
And that's good enough for me.

And the wild winds swole
To the sound of a million tanks.
Yet the scent of hyprocricy
Grew till it stank;
That the cynical eyes that were in charge
Fled from the lies and
To a few score hundred
Barrels of desert fruit....

Love's labour lost...

They met in soul at Operation Avalanche,
And served their own corps with little panache
Each holding their own until the time 6th collapsed.
Minds went blank and insane
Trying in vein to replay
The things that had occured after despatch.

The tears made in war
Are but a crashing bore,
When you hear the words of those combined in memories...
It all whispered down to me:
"Everyone's a whore
For the convenient price of a cause".

39.

When I was an innocent child
I stood tall and happy.
Playing with my favourite toy.
An egg-shaped and dungaree'd,
fabric boy.
I didn't care for anything but
me.

I'd go to the park for air
And some larks.
I was well looked after and free.
My Mom (Anne) was alone,
single; not a bone
To spend on clothes at Marks and Sparks.

The reason for this was my Old Man.
The non-payer of maintenance.
His missus denied
The cash by their side
The judge ordered a weekly
pound.

I was too young to know
All this shit, when sewn;
Would come back and haunt
me.

Now Anne she worked hard, for
my safety to guard,
And he's fucked up the family tree.

I remember the days when we'd
Both think and hope amazed
That one time our luck would
come to us.

But it never came,
and I'm afraid to say
Our lives were shitty and rusted.
Always feeling so damn unadjusted.

But it was never her fault,
for she should be applauded;
To continue to look over me.
I know it wasn't easy;
When I used to help her work in pieces;
Her bosses were such queers.

That was the recession, Dears...

38.

You're well off your feet,
And you should be asleep.
In time you'll drift away.

But the thoughts in your head
And the things that were said
Should in time slowly stray...

...Wake up again
and you wish for the rain.
But the World just delivers more heat.

You feel miserable inside
All damaged in pride.
The damned kids are yelling in the street.

There's more anger shown
From the family, barely unknown;
And you hope that they'll leave you alone.

But they continue to press,
And your cerebrum is stressed;
They seem no different to the rest...

So you think back...
To a time better placed in your mind...
Where everyone...
Loved you in kind...

37.

The sun rose at 6 on this warm Septembers' morn,
I'd been up but 20 hours, and let out a slight yawn.
Lay in bed, listening to the birds for they begin to sing.
Through a torrid weekend there is -
A wonderful and vague element of beauty.

36.

Oh where've all the good

sounds gone
From Bowie to Kings of Leon?
They all seem to have and gone
Yet their sound is safe and

scattered strong.

It began as a simple melody
Wrapped inside a meloncholic

phantasy
Yet all we dreamed was yet to

be
A vein dream of reality

Oasis to the Verve
Manch to wigan
Was such a Blur
But what of a second word?
The Stone Roses
I'm said and done.

What began as a humming in

my head
Became the dream of the

almost dead.
Set alight all that was the past
For now stands the second

coming at last.

Dream on....
I hear those holy lot singing...
Dream on...
For the bells are peeling...

And what of the Holy trinity at

last?
Beatles, Zep and the Jam
They died with reality at last
For the 70's were the holy grail

at ther last look...

Dream on....
I hear those holy lot singing...
Dream on...
For the bells are peeling...

It began as a simple melody
Wrapped inside a meloncholic

phantasy
Yet all we dreamed was yet to

be
A vein dream of reality

35.

Deliver the goods and reduce

the hoods,
Two U-turns a day is no what

we, the nation wants.
Either do us in to the Kabosh,
Or fuck us over the barrow.

To the government, we are but

fucking peasents to the gallow.

34.

Calling upon the edge of

reason,
Stand alone and wonder the

reason why we have no great

divide.
The benefits are gone,
And Ian Duncain Smith makes

us live as one.
Devouring one-another as if

protein unused in the UK.
We all wonder why there's

never our own say.
I sit there and watch people

become so recluse.
Inclusive of myself; Why the

hell so obtuse?
We all demand standards -

Mine are just that.
It's just that those that give

standards are a fucking twat.
Bemoan your laxitive once a

government, with their 2 U-

turns a day schemes.
I'll carry on living the dream.
I'm a depressive fucker,
Why can't you see, that you; the

Government is just simply

fucking killing me.
No hope, no dreams.
A fallic fantasy.
I fail to see
Why Martin Sheen
Would be the great white hope

of such a nation filled of such

great people.

Where I once had pride,
Your resignation and suicide;
Would be better than mine.

33.

Daysleep the night away
You cry but I'm oblivious as to why.
The tablets work so much horrors.
I care not for your daydream lives.

We all live for the same reason
To generate profit and life.
Why I ask, Oh why?
Do we dare to say why?

The World revolves around people like you
Feeling like you have a fucking clue
Well get clued up to the human race
We all fall right upon our face

The leaders demand we follow them.
Shouldn't it be the other way around?
This is a political statement.
Fuck those that believe that I'm just an Ant-Man...

Become an animal,
Become so  trivial.
Mark your Ballots as insubstantial
And dream with me as an individual.

Take my hand and trust me.
Don't hold too tight, or you'll fuss me.
Believe me, I talk from my own heart sink;
We don't need no shrink -

-It's them...

Become an animal,
Become so  trivial.
Mark your Ballots as insubstantial
And dream with me as an individual.

32.

Oh my God, look at all that arse,
A mouth so filled with brass;
Could trade 'er in for alone 'er sass
I could think've something she could encompass...

A circumnavigation around me man,
Then she could just use her hands
To reach around to foreign lands
And then fix me some M and M's...

31.

If you have complications
Then I suggest that you seek professional manipulation
It'll help you keep up your level of preservation
Within the humanity of intervention.

You seem to be hanging from the ledge
But you push people to the edge
And penetrate their heads
Whilst some men just want to penetrate others in any other definition of a bed.

There's places in the city to combine your vices
Just go there with cash in hand,
and spend it all along with your time.
Free up some mental capacity

Then go home and wake up
wondering when you just got
into that taxi.

All men are kindred beings,
shallow and alone in their trash called a home
And yet women strive to annoy and make miserable every other in the World.
All I know is that if I could, I'd prefer to be sterile than to have a little girl.

All my words may still seem harsh,
but truisms evolve when you think we are all made of stars.

30.

The politicians lie as though it's an art
Where are the 99 per cent with their poisoned darts?
I stand alone with a stained broken heart...
It don't know where to begin, but let's be honest it's but a start...

29.

Whoa-Ho-Ho - Who follows me?
I live deadened by sylloques
And I hung high in a hollow tree
So save for me your sympathy...

Naughty by name and Naughty by nature
I am alone a simple stranger
Would you believe your imminent danger?
Where is Jesus; alone in a manger?

Believe what you will
I am guided still higher still
Your all concerned
Bemoaned and accused
I am guided;
I've liten the fuse.

What of all the old men dying
Will there be grandchildren crying?
Believe me when sadden was made
All of the above was meant  to be amended...

And what of your own sheltered life?
Living alone to be sacrificed?
Wouldn't be worth to be more dead and than alive
When you see on television all are dying...

28.

She hid her brains right within her shoes
The teenage dream that lived the saddened blues
People live their life, but they never choose
Some games you win and yet some you lose.

The depression came in peaks and troughs
She was always designated as a diamond in the rough
But when the low came it was worse than a drop
Of her life she was never on top.

But it all came to end one saddened spring
When she realised oh what hope is this
She danced her final dance with her fella in her hands
And wondered to her God is this now how it ends?

One last kiss...

Is all she ever missed...

Cocaine blues down in old Shude Hill
She just kept on poppin' those pills
She just felt forever ill
Would someone ever get her out of this dill?

But then she turned to the razor blade.
She prayed forgiveness from all she forbade.
Her only regret was never getting laid
But yet was decked out in satin and plaid...

But it all came to end one saddened spring
When she realised oh what hope is this
She danced her final dance with her fella in her hands
And wondered to her God is this now how it ends?

One last kiss...

Is all she ever missed...

How she wished she'd just got pissed.

27.

I live in the dream that all will believe
It all falls within
The beginnings of belief
And absorption within.

To be myself is so cleanly felt
But to be me is so insanity
The fall of the wall began my thoughts
It's all due to subjection, of course...

The World shall scream on my name
And all shall proclaim
That the next day shall come.
I am alive - and all the World shall follow...

And yet the sun goes down within me
Safe and sound my thoughts run within
I have no doubt that that you shall look after me
Within my thoughts of insanity...

26.

I've been wanderin' this wasteland
Like a lost and weary spaceman
Too much caught up in the chase man, uh-hu.

But when the night is broken
And my head has finally woken
I wonder am I Terry Wogan
As in my mind I'm softly spoken.
I'm done.

25.

I aye stupid and I aye fick
Arm sick on bein' told are'll never mount to shit.
The egducashun ere as med me fale a prick
And arm so broke even a builda cor fix me wiv a brick.

I ate the way tha coz ov ow I tork
Paple same ta fink I shouldn b allowed ta wark.
Bu' I doe care coz arm just mey
Us lot as commun as muck but wey still ave dignitay.

Yow baymo-an the way that I spake
When I tell you an oss's an oss
And a stripy one's a Stripy un that wheres no sox
Yow just dow understand me flake.

Paple neva undastand a fing tha i say
Bu me lingo is closa to tha Shakespearean Englesh way:
Way mayk stuff up n confuze thoze that doe no
Jus wot the el wayer tryin to get accros or sho!

An Dow aven get me startid on call-in may a brummay
As sure as a baps sertenlay a cob there the wons wiv monay.
So forgiv may pour educashun, lack ov wealth and spellin
Now, I did nok on yower doer.

Dow ya wanna no what arm sellin?

24.

Ok so here goes. This is not a lackluster poem, song, sonnet, description or feelings of apathy... This is honestly my feelings towards the UK government. It will take some time to write, and I may add to it as I please. The last few months have been far from secure or rational to say the least.

Right - So first thing's first. I'm a job seeker. I was sanctioned on the 14th December due to not being able to provide "adequate proof" as to my job search. This resulted in either a 2 or 4 week withdrawal of my benefits. I have no idea which it was due to things become so unclear in the proceeding weeks it serious does warrant some effort from someone who actually knows what they are doing.

The "adequate proof" that I had was in the form of emails and application information on my tablet / mobile phone. Job references in the form of links (dates still on the documents as to when I last edited the things I - Electronically - wrote down), and application emails from those I had applied for by that point. Some admittedly I had not applied for, as I was at my volunteer work that I had gained myself. and I didn't have the time to write everything out.

I went to the Job Centre (JCP) on the 14th and as I say was told that what I had (as I didn't have my written record) was "unacceptable". I therefore received my sanction for this. I walked out as I wasn't being paid, and I felt I was being scrutinised by the worker there. Questions were raised - "Who will you eat or pay your rent?" were two of the questions that I felt were a little lacking in compassion, considering this was the same person that imposed the sanction upon me.

A couple of days later, I stumbled upon a link on the Guardian website, stating that the Government (and Ian Duncan-Smith in particular) were trying to make Universal Job Match (Herein "UJ") mandatory for the jobseeker - thus rendering all electronic forms of job searches mandatory to the person in question and acceptable to the JCP. This sincerely baffled me - Why was it acceptable for them to bend and dictate the rules as it pleases them, so long as I was trying my best to also show what I had done in those two weeks? Why was what I was doing not the same as they wanted?

I spent days and weeks in the end trying to contact the manager. I put a complaint in (to this day I still have no response, and wonder what - If anything - is happening), I contacted JCP via the DWP line - Still baffled by the answers. I have been passed from pillar to post by JCP, DWP, my Local MP, and various charitable organisations, trying to figure out what is wrong and what is right. There is just no end to it all. The DWP, which is supposed to be there to help those in need are so enamoured in weeding out the "filth" in the country, it has forgotten who it should be helping.

By sanctioning myself, It transpired that I went 4 weeks without money from the 14th December to 11th January (Those are my signing on days - the actual days are the Wednesdays after when I receive the money). I had to rely on food banks, cash handouts and bits and pieces from family and friends just so as I could try and look after myself (whilst at the same time trying to keep myself happy over the holiday period, with past memories of uncertainty and more "forefront of my mind" problems also looming) in grooming, food and even getting to my voluntary position.

Thankfully my volunteer placement was at a housing association, and they soon realised the impact that I had thrust upon me. After a breakdown at work, they sought me help in the form of a worker that they could recommend. At this moment, he has given me the food bank vouchers and also attempted to resolve my finances. Unfortunately, it's not all that simple, as I'm still paying back people from December and this whole crock that transpired from it.

To be continued...

23.

Well now don't you think me oh so wrong
When I've called you all the bitches under the sun.
You seem forget that I was so torn and abused
that you went ahead and lit the fuse.

I have to admit all the mistakes I've made.
When stood opposed Toyota I was I drunken state.
But why has it took so long
For all us anew to sing this common song.
Singing oh my how long has it been
To wonder to why in-between
Should it have been like this.
Tell me how long's it been since we kissed?

So now imagine the shit I've thought
Of you back then being but a whore
Why did you make me feel like that?
You never gave he half the chance I feel but such a Prat.

22.

I sat around
Waiting alone
For what seemed like
Forever and a day.
The longing never went away
From when you came to stay
You always agreed to see me
But after so long that ceased to be.

You grew bored
Or was it abhorred?
At my lack of communication
And distinct lack of synchronisation.
You felt I didn't care
And you ran off
With it all in the air.
Oh girl, I love you.

It's took a full month
Or as close to so
For you to realise
What you should have known
Months ago.
I caved into my ego.
Told you the truth
And yet I still feel the one abused.

February the 11th won't be soon enough
As I still think about us
And the way this should never have been.
I was obscene.
The holiday in York
The lack of proverbial pork
Just made you think that I wasn't to care
In truth, I was simply scared.

The months rolled on
And we became distant
Like lovers bound
Yet dismissed in an instant.
It's took so long to get this far
And yet we put up with all this yarn.
I was in a foul mood
Through that time, what did I ever prove?

That to me you meant a lot,
My mind went to pot.
My nerves were shot to fuck
And all in all I never made that quick buck.
To be forever and alone
The two of us, engaged and technically entombed.
To be alone in our own Idaho
What we had seeked; hopefully soon, we may know.

21.

Through the desert
Out to the sea
I dream of all
All there have been

Why didn't you call me
Call me your castle?
Why did you never think
I was worth the hassle?

I would have surrounded and protected
I would have loved and obeyed
The only thing I can think of
Is that Fictitious were made.

Now we speak like adults
With me in my glasses.
I wonder why
I think of men in their masses.

To pray to above
They only dream of the afterlife
To believe in compassion and love
Is all that they strive.

We could have been there
But you seen so fit to see
The web you've now weaved
I hoped more was to be.

20.

I sanction my mind
And yet still I find
The lies that I weaved are still left behind.

The Camel was a falsification
I need for celebration
I just needed to bring that in.

And yet the homeless horseman
That I wrote about three songs from now
Deserves more than my heart would allow.

The mythical history
And sheer apparent catastrophe
Within my life could still be...

Another day dream aside.
A dent in my pride.
So let's just let this slide...

19.

I dreamt to believe that everything we may need
Was all hooked up beyond a wizard's sleeve
But what I failed to recognise
Was that we would both despise
The cost of corruption within our nation
And what it would epitomise...

Ian Duncan Smith don't got no hold on it
He believe in utter shit.
Why can't the normal man just live with it
When he just needs to suckle from the proverbial teet?

Now I'm sanctioned and feel so non-respondent
Yet I still feel so respondant.
Why bother in maintaining we have wealth to live off
When us on the minimum strive to give a fuck?
The 1 per-centers have all the luck
Yet I rely on the local food bank...

18.

It seems that all is just fine
Yet I feel so sublime
And you feel just as
As... Shite as thine...
Feelings without truth to dispose.
I hope that someday we'll be forever entwined...

It's never happened before
Loves's labour was such a bore.
I never imagined it would be this way;
So please just say that you'll stay
Forever and and a day.
I love you more than words can say...

17.

And oh the fear is here
I drowned my sorrows within a hundred tears.
I just wanted that voice to make.
Since that bit longer before you wake.

I watched you sleep at night
And yet it still felt just fine.
I'd love to kiss you whilst asleep
You may have been gone in a far off dream...

Where the animals all live happily ever after
But yet the Cheshire cat may still ponder
And Dorian Gray may still wonder
In his old-aged fonder...

I dream of those times we were forever young
you kissed me once and I become your slave
How I never ever dreamt to mean...
That I myself would become my own decline to the modern wage...

16.

She was oh so pretty
I feel for the city too.
I t drew me know it
The river bank was an eclectic mix
Of oral sex and still yet so full of shit.

The days were made
Of Scrumpy Jack and Turbo Lemonade
Yet we still so forbade
What life was to make us.

And now the dreams are much sober
I'm growing so much older.
I need to remain
Calm through the storm, I need to pertain
That my love will remain.

The days were made
Of Scrumpy Jack and Turbo Lemonade
Yet we still so forbade
What life was to make us.

Those days can still remain
But I still withhold refrain
The trust is gone but the offer still withstands
That all your love is still held in my hands.

You may make love with your hands
But I still hook onto you like candy
Oh so what what do I pray?
Other than a hand shandy...

15.

And I say It's gonna give me
I chance of immortality
I want such a good time
That I know I'm gonna feel fine.
I take that hit and you know This time is gonna be mine.
A time so good it's all mine... In time It's gonna be mine.

So stave the idiosyncratic ideology
For tonight I'm gonna fuckin' be free
And tonight I'm gonna live young and die a rare breed
So now I've no idea where I wanna be.

And yet et I still stave the most
For the fear that within; I feel the host.
I wanted such a good time
And yet I feel fine, I feel fine.
The dreams of yesterday slowly diluted away.
I'm but grown by another year or day.

So stave the idiosyncratici ideology
For tonight I'm gonna fuckin' be free
And tonight I'm gonna live young and die a rare breed
So now I've no idea where I wanna be.

It is the life where I just want to be;
The life of love is where I want to breathe.
I always wanted this shit to be where we all would stand
I always wanted you to be a part of my plans:
To be the one who waved from the window to myself goodbye..
When I lit that cigarette; I was never to lie.

So yet stave your problems unto me.
For you are perfect yet I yet to breathe.
I wanna live my own life so let's just fuckin' see
Any altercation, and without lust we are yet so far beneath.

My hearts beginning
For sure
My hearts beginning
I love you more

So what the fuck is the point in trying to prevail
A love so wrong that it all felt so stale?
The easy way out was what we wanted to be
An Unsocial security.

14.

If you stand in the place that you were when you face south
Then shit will only circumstanstiate your position southward bound.
Then come to me and soon you'll see
The man that all I ever wanted and aspired to be...

13.

You laugh all of the time
But yet you still just look fine
Why do you keep looking so sublime?
When I could take my own life?

What is there so special to you
That makes me feel loved yet so abused?
Why do I still run away
When you simply must be obeyed?

You stood by me far beyond the road.
You always kissed me and I felt quite stoned.
To be a eloquent heart above the ribs
Why won't you ever grant me the fever of kids?

I wished things would be up-heaved
And all was anew.
This problem now leaves us unhinged
Yet I'm still bound to you.

Please don't leave me
And all shall be forgave
I never ever wanted
To be an emotional slave.

And yet I'm here
And I still hold you dear.
I just wish you were near.
'Coz I have the fever.

12.

Love divides and love subsides
But we all know the truth
Sex at first it all provides...
It is wasted all in youth.
But you still my number
And you still got my name.
The first night I met you...
I slept with you, all the same.
It may not have been glamorous;
Certainly most vain:
But when it all comes together
After this distance now I love you just the same.

Intimacy is all well and good
But when you start to fall into falsehood
You get to figure out just where you should
Prod and poke just where to stem the mood...
The bond we could have is still intimate
A love unexplained through the innatimate.
The calling of youth bought on by age
A love so deep it sees through this minimum wage.
It all goes so unperturbed in youth
As me move on we wonder what is the use
In trying to preserve problems maintained by "the man"
When now my dear we have but one plan.

To go out, get engaged and live our life
It may not be exciting but this is the toil and strife:
To pay our bills and get by as best as we can:
Hopefully even get by so well so as to raise our wee gal or man.
Yet truthfully it still all depends on you
I still wonder what exactly your gonna do
When it all come to this weekend
And you have to confront him of the realism of the proverbial bends.
I hope soon enough
I stop being your little bit of rough
And talk to me just like a man.
I love you, but I can only do the best that I can.

11.

Flicking my ash into the bottom of a can
You're still to recognise the man that I am.
The gaze was vacant; the muse was lost
I was more akin to a corpse than that of the ghost.
The medication held me in more a subdued state
I didn't have the heart to love you; there was too much on my plate.

But now the mist has cleared and I now see what I was:
The vacant misinterpreted madman; I was subdued and still lost.
Now we're talking as if adults; my, where have nine years gone?
In but four months of not seeing you I felt yet so alone.
We're talking now just like we should, and is all just fine
Won't you please come meet me? - We'll go out, drink some wine.

I know it's hard to take, just what I'd said and what I'd done
But you have to understand I never had nor simply wanted you under my thumb.
You were free to roam and be who you wanted to
But we were bonded by some strange and inexplicable glue.
Now we're starting to understand that it was not forsaken lust.
True to no rhyme or reason, it was love and it was "Just"...

10.

I lit that hash pipe and drifted away
To lands so foreign I could not have saved
The people of the land who live on rationed dust
Yet still breed like flies; through ill-advised lust.
I fell into that coma and a sharp intake of air
Led me to see just what should have been clear
The dragon appeared and cleansed my mind
The only way to save them was to just be kind.

They drag their water far and wide
To live a simple life and just stay alive
Yet we all fatten on too much food
Is it really adequate that we act like fools?

The drugs they fuel an open mind
Head gets empty and soon you find
That the dizziness beckons but you still feel the same
You try to imagine a life out on the plain.
It's rugged and reckless and yet hot as Hell
But your own kind get by without a need for a well
An ornamented fixture afforded by greed;
Yet they don't even have the money to plant a seed.

They drag their water far and wide
To live a simple life and just stay alive
Yet we all fatten on too much food
Is it really adequate that we act like fools?

9.

Should we not aspire so high you and I
To at very least say our adieu and bid goodbye.
For the pleasure we seek has so far gone
That the love we radiated has until now shone.

We never denied all was well.
And yet the truths we withheld we never would tell.
Well I'm I'm different person from here now on.
I love you forever and a day. This deed is done.

8.

I cast no shadow upon the World before me
The life I saw was yet another infatuated glory.
Halcyons within the pre-determined dreams
And a life ripped apart, so full at the seams.
Why didn't you believe just what I said?
I wanted to just love, honour and obey.
You ran away and proclaimed that enough was enough.
Yet still over Christmas you said that stuff was still snuff.

I imagined you have the perfect New Year
I never dreamed that you would forgive me with tears.
The torment, the torture and the emotional fears
All wiped away when I told you, my dear.

And yet we went through so much over 36 seasons
And yet you couldn't even understand my reasons
For not loving you in my distance
I just wished I could explain my treason.
I hope you now understand the peril of my mind
Although I understand that it's so hard to comprehend.
New years came and gone yet my mind is still Hell bent
On loving you and making amends.

I imagined you were fine
But all it took was reasoning and time
To make you realise I was sublime
Without you I was nothing and with you I'll just have to drag the line.

You make so much sense
You are the epitome of innocence.
I realise now that my love was dragged away
And was due to be saved for this damned day.
When all came and yet all were betrayed
Please tell me that this will stay.
I love you with all my heart
Now please tell me that this is a new start...

7.

I spoke to you tonight
Wondering quite why
We were like this at all?

I was nervous and tense
But you repented
That you were excited and I felt such a bore.

I was tired and shattered
My mind was all scattered
Away with the leaves from the British Winter
Why am I ashamed to feel so bitter?

You said you'd talk to him
Maybe at the weekend
I'd prefer it to be sooner but what can I do?

It's down to your own mind
To recollect, reflect and remind
Yourself that I truly do love you.

Over the last few years I've took and I took
I was a pain and how I mistook
My lack of emotion for the realism....
Of being entrapped in my own little prism.

I look forward to being with you and your embrace
It will bring me back to the human race
I sorry that I feel such a disgrace.

But I feel so much better now
I guess you'll never understand just how I felt
To be a part of this human race.

I now know though
That you just want to know
How I feel
And to tell you how I love you so.

6.

You were from Worcester and he from North Carolina;
At the time I felt you welcomed him with an open vagina.
Now I know that you made mistakes
Why bemoan me when I also needed consecutive takes?

It all began midway through last year
When I wondered if my paranoia should be shrouded in fear.
It deemed required when I found out
I was pissed off at your open mouth.

I don't know what went on, and I still wonder why
It took me to realise that you were a passer-by
Within your own life and devoid of feelings for me
When now you finally realise, recollect and see...

That I was just me and you were you
The love generated in the past has made this situation so confused.
I can't share the way this pans out until
You learn the true identity of life-skills.

As much as I admire and love you, you'll never fully understand
That last August you crippled me with my heart in your hands.
I missed a lot of things that I shall never forgive
Oh please Lord don't stop me, and help me put up with this shit.

5.

Oh my dear Melanie
I drifted away and lost your love
Please be with me
You doubted all I was and you were sent from above.
Oh now my dear
I've got you back please have no fear
We can let loose and be ourselves
And never to listen to no one else.

I think through my mind's eye
The times we fought and said goodbye
But they were never meant
I needed to clear my head and that was my true intent.

Now, now, Melanie...
You realised that what you did was inconsiderate
I just wanted us to be content
To plant a seed and see heaven sent.
We're getting on now
And I don't believe nor I don't know how
All this ever happened
It honestly was never what I had planned.

I think through my mind's eye
And the happiness brings a tear my
Pain-stroked face and yet I start to grimace
The love I have for you will never be fenced.

For me, my Mel,
Without you is a private Hell.
I realise the changes and what I should have done
I know I should have realised sooner but God forbid the Kingdom has now come.
I was a pain in the arse and an insignificant fool
I worried about myself, I sat around and vainly drooled.
Andy ceased to be when mom died
But I'm better now and without you I realised...

I think through my mind's eye
And I just even now wonder why
We ever had to say goodbye
When there were an abundance of good times...

4.

If I flew you away
Would you dare to stay
Or would you rather say
I love you?

If I held you near
Would you ever fear
My love, my dear
Or say I need you?

The dreams held so long
Had all but gone
From me...
But you persevered...

And through my own tears
Your parents spoke clear
They told you to be here
As they understood my decline...

I needed to unwind
But never could quite find
The way to do so for myself in so kind
As to be normal for me to decide...

If I flew you away would you dare ever say
That this is now our day
And we both made mistakes?
This can be our second take.

Our second take on life.
We never had strife
And this confused me to begin with as I sought the knife.
But your still here and I'm sure you will be my wife.

In due time all shall be seen between us
I can't guarantee everything to you but baby please don't cuss.
Without you my life was thrown under a bus.
This may seem a stalker's prose, but we know better now and must grow up.

3.

I never wanted things that were to be
This seeming never-ending misery.
For four long months it seemed like it all was over
I gave up and in my mind I keeled over.
But I manned up and finally started to see
That without you my life was gone and empty.
Women came and gone, but I kept beating that drum.
Like the heart in my chest - I loved you and not the rest.

So I fell on my knees and begged you oh please
Come back to me...
It took timing and reason; but never meant to treason
His faith in you...


You admitted your mistakes in time
And now it all feels generally fine.
Four 2 months you were happy and sedate
But I had to reason that this fling was fate.
You argued and declined
I felt you wanted to say goodbye.
But over the last few days you've seen sense.
You were a reckless and foolish mess.

So all that time we lost has now gone to dust
We're getting it right.
I was so wrong to try to bite my tongue.
I loved you.

And that was me - bound tight in sympathy
I felt sorry for you and the way you were so pithy.
This wasn't the you I knew
I felt there was simply something more askew.
So I was wrong and you technically were right
I was never to give you up without a fight.
It just took so much mentally out of me...
You were the bound-tight lock, and I was simply the key...

2.

It's all been resolved
Your beginning to fix my soul
I was just out of my mind
You were simply just following blind.

You broke away from me
And my tears were real.
I could not help the way I felt in this lonely pain
Being without contact drove me insane.

I popped my pills and tried to get on
By this point I felt you were too far gone
But you accepted me and understood the fear
That I loved you and still held you so dear.

No the pain has gone in all but effect
To you, my love; I am but subject
To partial reasoning and love yet remorse.
We keep reminding one another, It can get better; of course.

1.

I am the local Camel
Spouting inane psycho-babble
Have a spade and I will travel
The long and winding road of things that unravel.
The haiku tree poses me three
Questions pertaining to my individuality
Why thee? Who do you see?
And why the bloody nora at aged 4 did you run into that tree?

The Ostrich sings
Of all the precious things
Like bells that ding
And dong
Like Cheech and Chong
Stoners with a bong!
It all sounds so damned wrong
they never washed and the ruddy pong!

Beware all of you for I am the Raptor
Reading a few books of limited chapter
Like Scientology, I'm just waiting for the rapture
But you daren't even dream of a life-time disaster.
For I will always bang the drum
The drum in question is the elephant's bum
I met him down with that car Brum
And I drove it down when the Kingdom come.

The Elephant ponders to no avail
The wonders of existence and he turned pale.
Why is my toast so feeble and stale?
Why does the margarine contain no nails?
He looked up and flounced his cry
And screaming "Oh my; Oh Lord - Oh why?!"
Deep into the midnight sky
The Elephant trampled them all and they could never ask why.